The Impact of Homosexual Siberian Cockroaches on Indian Economy - By Subroto

Some time back Paro had asked Subroto to write a piece for her friend on the topic ‘The Impact of Homosexual Siberian Cockroaches on Indian Economy'. He did and I was in splits after reading it. So here it is for all to enjoy...

Siberia, an incredibly cold place for anybody including cockroaches.

In this cold place, it so happened a couple of years back. On one unbearably cold day in winter, an elderly cockroach in his late 15s (days), (an unusually old age for a cockroach, they count their life in seconds and minutes and live in the moment pretty much zen-like, hence 15 days and a couple of minutes being incredibly old, but everything in Siberia is pretty incredible, like the weather and the Siberian tiger, which is incredibly huge for a tiger), having got fed up with the winter and its effect on the female cockroaches, revolted.

Every winter, the male cockroaches will do just one thing to keep themselves warm, run around the female cockroaches hoping to fertilize their eggs, but the extreme cold had made the females frigid. They didn’t care anymore about laying too many eggs or about the males. The last few years the males had spent their winters pretending that their male friends are females and run around them pretending to fertilize their eggs, but that was no fun. They missed the way the females fluttered their wings and threw garbage at them.

Oh those lovely furry dirty legs and those long smelly slender feelers.
Well, it was over now; the males had some self respect. The elderly one had proclaimed, and so it was ordained, the males will no longer run around females, they will run around themselves and die doing so, if nothing else.
A few had already fallen in love with their male friends, it wasn’t so difficult, they looked pretty similar to their female counterparts.

The pretense had taken over and become a reality now.
And so it began, the genesis of the homosexual cockroaches of Siberia.
In Siberia, as already mentioned incredible things happen. And so it did. Two gay cockroach couples happened to get on an apple cart in a plane and landed in India, which by any incredible standard of imagination was incredible.
Now, the Siberian cockroaches are really huge, something of the size of a cigar, incredible it may sound, but you know in Siberia…..
So these big Siberian guys came and bullied everyone and got them to believe in homosexuality and that it’s actually more fun pretending than the real act as fantasy is always more fun than reality.

Indians have always been suckers for faith and belief, what with their own virtues and values, women, children, houses and intelligence agencies pillaged and plundered since the Turk and Mughal days and then the British, the Indian cockroaches believed the Big Siberians and there gave rise to a different breed of Indian cockroaches.

Soon the cockroaches ran helter skelter trying to get themselves a gay date and tell each other sexist jokes. The females finding this behaviour weird, as always they do of males, just withered away and died of boredom.
The males suddenly experiencing new found excitement with no females to admonish them or chide them went berserk trying out new and crazy fantasy laden courtship and sexual innuendoes with their male counterparts. But the stupid tools( means ‘fools’ in cockroachian language) didn’t realize that no females means extinction.
And so it happened, the Indian cockroaches wiped itself out of existence, unlike us.
And then some strange things happened in India, much like in Siberia, referring to the strangeness and incredibleness of things, that is.

The Indians till then were actually unaware how much revenue they generated from Indians. It so happened that due to the predominantly dirty and filthy conditions that 85% of the Indian population lived in gave rise to the huge colonies of insects and bugs and hence an even bigger industry of herbal, allopathic and emphatic insect repellants.

The cockroaches contributing to 98% of the insect family in these areas and hence being the major source of this industry. The industry was so good that they never needed to export and were making huge profits to manufacture more which were being consumed more by the Indians themselves.

And owing to the fact that all cockroaches soon became resistant to the existing repellant, gave huge scope for R&D, Manufacturing, Sales and Marketing to go gung- ho to create new products, produce, advertise and sell. The cockroaches loved the new challenge of being more resistant, the Manufacturers loved producing more, the R&D loved brainstorming about newer versions of existing ones, the Sales people loved selling newer products, and the Indian consumers loved it that they were consistently getting better products and that their country cared for their hygiene.
It was a fantastically amazing self sustainable and profit making, never-ending cycle. Life had never been so cooperative to all at once.

But it all came crashing down the moment the cockroaches disappeared from every dirty and filthy nook and corner of India. No one knew where they went and why.
This story was told by the last remaining cockroach who had learnt some English having lived in the Rapid Language Learning Books section of an old and stinking library.

The teller of this story would like to remain anonymous, as all such unbelievable story tellers do.