Sunday, 3 July 2005

To go or not to go...

Spent the last week deciding whether to go or not to go, was like that eternal question of - to be or not to be...

Ok now to tell you where is was to go or not to go. My team at work was going to Masinagudi for the weekend and I had an exam on Sunday. Spent the beginning of the week convincing myself that I wasn't missing anything and the exam was top priority. Then we started warming up for the weekend on Wednesday.

After half a bottle of beer and half an hour of convincing by Pallavi, priorities changed. Exam would come again in 3 months however team outing would not happen again for almost a year and even then some people may have moved on to other pastures.

So now it was decided that I was going to Masinagudi. The rest of the two days at work were spent listening to people letting me how let down they were. How I had no will power etc... All bullshit I say!!! Pardy anytime...

Thursday was Adrian's B'day Pardy and just before I entered the bar told my mother about going to the trip. What she had to say almost had me going back home but then priorities are priorities and so told her to sleep on the idea and I would do the same. We would then discuss it the next day.

After a lot of drinking ideas came and it was not as difficult as I thought to convince my mother.

Friday night saw me have some Glenfiddich and no sleep. Left home at 4:30am on Saturday.

The plan was to remain buzzed over the weekend. But don't know what happened :-(
Over the weekend just had two mugs of beer. Forget buzzed wasn't even high. But still had fun so what if I didn't drink enough :-(

If you wanna know all I did in Masinagudi... watch this space...

Saturday, 2 July 2005

L&D Team Outing 2-3 July 2005

2-3 July 2005
L&D Team Outing
Jungle Retreat - Masinagudi

Attendees-
Nagendra, Adith, Deepa, Pallavi, Raymond, Subroto, me, Sunita, Parvathi, Drusilla, Sudipta and Nisha (and Ethan).

Friday saw me reaching home at 8:30pm after finishing with things I had to do in town. Was tired but sleep evaded me so thought would have some scotch and watch a movie. Scotch led to hunger, so made some Maggi and sat down to eat.

Still no sleep however, now was feeling sick. Had a throbbing headache, the start of a migraine. Took a pill and sat down with the movie again. Only to run to the loo, as I had to throw-up. Finally after watching two movies slept at 2:30am to wake up at 3:30am.

Got picked up at 4:30am to go to re-group point at Symphony. Reached there feeling feverish with swollen face and puffy eyes. Had chai and a smoke and felt a little better. Subs had to go back to pick up the cameras as he had forgotten them at home.

We left at 6:30am as soon as Subs returned. Headed out towards Mysore via Kanakpura. Everyone making a lot of noise on the way. The girls started to sings tunes of old ads on TV. Picked up Nagendra at Banashankari. Stopped at S N Upahara for a breakfast of tutta idli and tea/coffee. Took some snaps there also saw this tail of a Malabar Squirrel hanging from the roof.

We headed out again with a lot of singing. Was still feeling sick so went to sleep on the last seat at the back of the bus. Slept for sometime and woke up feeling better. We stopped just after Mysore to pick up beer, was hungry again by then (had to make up for dinner you see). Had three bananas and some murkus.

We headed out again and not started to make goodtime in the bus as the roads were good. The beer was finished before we hit the check post. Must have had 3/4 of a pint. Saw some deer and black faced langur in Bandipur. Subs got some good shots of a deer who wasn't worried about the bus at all.

At the Tamil Nadu border the border police guy said we would have to pay Rs.500 extra to him so we went to the next check post some 10km away to pay there and then came back. Lost about 1/2 an hour there. Came back and took the Masinagudi turn. Reach Jungle Retreat at about 3pm.

We quickly went to our dorm to dump our bags and freshen up before lunch. Some beer and lunch later it was time to jump into the pool. We took off to change and get to the pool. By the time we girls got there the men were in already. Must have been in there for about 1/2 an hour (in which Pallavi almost drowned me) before the cold set in. Ear drums started hurting and we got out and sat watching all the other women play in the water.

Headed back from the pool about 5:30pm as we had a presentation at 6:30pm. The presentation started with an ingeniously made projector screen of towels. Nagendra, Adith, Pallavi, Ray and Subs took us through some presentations. Felicitation also happened for all the work done by the team. All this was wrapped up with champagne.

We all then headed for dinner. The first drink was on Deepa as she was new in the team. My only mug of beer on the trip. It was decided that Subs, Ray, Paro and me would go trekking in the morning so we headed back to the dorm to sleep.

Woke up at 5:45am to get ready for the trek. Was a little chilly in the morning. Saw Deer just outside out dorm. Had some biscuits and coffee and started out for the trail with Sidda our guide at 6:35am. First thing we saw as we looked to the mountains was a rainbow. Took some snaps and started out.

Sidda said there were elephants in the area so he was leading, with us stopping and following every now and then. We found a cottage and Sidda said we would wait on the roof for the elephants to pass by. Climbed up to the roof using bamboo, only to realize there was a ladder on the other side. Sidda went to check on the elephant. He came back to say this wasn't a good time to see it. It was a tusker and not behaving like an elephant at all. Was throwing mud on himself and howling like a dog. So we got down and started to skirt around the area to avoid it. All that happened was we stumbled into his herd. Got some snaps and realized that we couldn't continue this way so we had to go back the way we came and try another route. So back to the cottage we went.

At the cottage Sidda asked us to wait while he checked out the area. While waiting Paro and I moved away from the guys to take some snaps. From where we were we had a clear view of Sidda arguing with a family with two kids in their arms to go back because of the elephant only to be told by an elderly guy that he didn't know what he was talking about and he a landowner there knew what he was doing. He told Sidda to shut-up and mind his own business. Poor Sidda was trying to get him to see reason. Only to be told that a complaint will be made about him. Sidda was so upset about that for a long time. While all this was going on Paro and I saw an elephant come to check out what the noise was all about some bushes away from the group, then turn around and go back.

The guys and Sidda came to join us then; neither of them had seen the elephant. We decided to move away and go up into the mountains. It was about 8am then. On the way we saw elephant footprints (Subs arm from fingers to elbow fit into it) and the left overs of their meal.

Saw Sloth Bear droppings. Its black berry season so that’s what they eat the most right now. Most of the droppings comprised of seeds. Saw 3 Grey Horn Bills. Sidda said there are only 15 to be found in Madhumalai forest. Three sounded like a great number.

Soon reached a height from where we could see the Kerala and Karnataka border. Could see Bandipur, Wyanad and Madhumalai distinctly. With a lot of huffing and puffing, lots of thoughts of quitting I finally reached the top. Sidda was the only one who didn't feel the climb followed by Ray. Subs was out of breath due to his wheezing and so was I for other reasons. Midway realized I was quite fit even after smoking for 5 years now.

We sat at the top for sometime listening to Sidda's stories about some of his treks. I was busy lensing the landscape and my unaware companions. We left to return at about 10am.

On the way back we saw a Barking Deer that took off before I could focus my camera. Saw Black faced langur, a Malabar Squirrel and bright yellow and orange birds. Was focusing on the orange bird but somehow managed to get the yellow. By the time I had clicked they interchanged places.

Took snaps of where we had been on the way back as we climbed down. Seemed quite a height once we reached the resort. On the way down also saw a stream filled with bright yellow mangoes. What a color that was.

We reached the resort at 11am with Subs tripping over a barbed wire nearby.

Quickly grabbed breakfast as we were really hungry. Had two omlettes, an idli, 2 vadas, a toast with black berry jam and washed it all down with coffee.

Next destination was the pool again as it was nice and warm. Changed and got there before the guys this time. Stayed in the pool till about 12:30pm. Its a joy to just float around feeling the weightlessness and gazing at the mountains and the sky. Played a bit and had races with Pallavi. Watched over Ray and Pals. Swam a couple of laps too.

Headed back to the dorm to bathe and change. We then headed back for lunch. I took off though to take some snaps before that. Walked around taking snaps till I got to the pool. There used to be a tree house the last time we were there. Was in bad shape now but the thought of an aerial view of the pool got me (a person with a phobia of edges and ledges) up there. Got some good shots while precariously kneeling on bamboo that creaked with the wind.

Headed back for lunch and a fresh lime juice. We left Jungle Retreat at about 3pm. Everyone was tired and soon all were asleep. I decided to sleep once we crossed Bandipur as we might get to see more animals. So Paro and I sat on the lookout. It did pay off; we saw Black Faced langur, two Peahens, a Tamed tusker and a baby elephant with her mother near the lodge.

Smsed a friend who was going for an interview to wish luck as soon as we had coverage. After which Paro and I must have slept for about twenty minutes before we hit a bump that had us flying thrice into the air. That was the end of sleep for me. The rest of the bus woke up too. The rest of the return trip was spent singing and laughing. We stopped at Channaputna for coffee.

Reached Bangalore at about 9pm. We all headed back home. Subs and I took an auto. reached home to find Rupal finally given in to hunger. Freshened up and sat to eat too, after which all that mattered was sleep.

A good trip though my only complaint was didn't drink enough... 2 mugs... just 2 mugs of beer. Why you may ask... had planned to remain buzzed but too many things happened before I got there and some people were worried about me drinking too much. So didn't dink... :-(

But thats ok, enjoyed the everything else... from pool to trek, food to songs... simply super...

The snaps...

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2124237300&code=16981209&mode=invite&DCMP=isc-email-AlbumInvite

Wednesday, 22 June 2005

My Favourites for this Season...

Seasons In The Sun

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We've known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we've climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and ABC's
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees
Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed
Were just seasons out of time

Goodbye Papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along
Goodbye Papa it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them, I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song
Like the seasons have all gone
We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song
Like the seasons have all gone

Goodbye Michelle my little one
You gave me love and helped me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on the ground
Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there


I Will Always Love You

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.


Unbreak My Heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart, my heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Ohh, oh
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
(rpt Chorus except last line)

Un-break my
Un-break my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on


Back For Good

I guess now it's time for me to give up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

And we'll be together, this time is forever
We'll be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

I guess now it's time, that you came back for good

Just ranting...

Its funny (not sure if funny is the right word, but it'll do for want of a better word), how the smallest of things can bring back a rush of memories. How when you think the hurt is gone it'll all come back. Its like it all happened just yesterday and it hurts just so much.

Had just sat down for a couple of minutes after getting ready this morning, waiting for the cab to pick me up. My CD player isn't working so switched to radio city and they played one of my favourite songs from Silsila - Yeh kaha aagaya hum. Heard it? Its one hell of a song but has so many memories attached to it. Just listening to it brought back tears but then wasn't able to just get up and switch it off. Finally managed that when it was over but then its left me with thoughts for the day.

Thoughts of whose fault it all was, why me, what did I do to deserve this, maybe it was for the best but the reoccuring question why me???

Got into the cab and pulled out my book to read. Reading - thats my haven from life. Am reading The Dragon Reborn - Robert Jordan, its a part of a series and something like Lord of the Rings. Anyway my next clue for the day lay there. And was then wondering how sometimes answers lie in the absurdest of places. You find them where u least expect to find them. Wonder if they will make sense to anyone else but they did to me...
"Just because fate has chosen something for you instead of you choosing it for yourself doesn't mean it has to be bad. Even if it's something you are sure you would never have chosen in a hundred years. Better ten days of love than years of regretting."
They may mean nothing to anyone else but to me drowning then in my sea of misery it was a strand of straw. Saved or no, for now that is all I have.

I just life was a little easier on people. But somehow experience is what shapes your life, sometimes it hardens and builds walls. And then people wonder how you got to be so distanced, so hard, so uninvolved. I feel like telling them, hey you didn't go through that I did, these walls help, they keep people out and hurt out too.

Ok enough of my ranting away. Am gonna stop here and get back to work. Coz thats a great way to keep busy.

Monday, 20 June 2005

Just writing...

A friend messaged yesterday to say why no updates on your blog so thought would just add a few lines so that its not too much of a gap between two updates ;-)

Life's been a roller coaster lately. Too many up and downs to even remember. Came back from my Coorg ride in Jan and the riding season was over as it was too hot. March saw me with back pain. It just kept getting worse till I went to a Doc and he said its muscle injury. He gave medcines and reccomended physio. Then in May went to this quack who solved it all in a couple of minutes and I was as good as new. Went on a short ride to Kanakpura to test my back and felt great as there was no pain. Riding was not over for me. But that was not the end. Next thing to follow was viral fever that lasted a week and a half.

Finally got over that and am still recovering. The appetite is still not back. Feel hungry but then when I see food its gone. Have lots of weight and now am just eating to put on some weight and stay alive I guess.

Life's taken a turn for the worse right now maybe it will get better sometime soon. Its like being pulled under water and struggling to get back to the top for air. Its a feeling of being closed in and losing it all. But wether all is lose yet or no is something to wait and see. Maybe, just maybe its still not lost.

Still have a little bit of the fight left in me, just have to find it. Am searching and hoping that will be soon...

Thursday, 17 March 2005

SeaBiscuit

Last night while surfing through channels on TV I chanced upon SeaBiscuit. Its a movie about a horse. Though would watch for sometime and then go to sleep but landed up watching it right to the end. It brought back so many memories. The story was about SeaBiscuit a horse, and how he changed peoples lives. How even though he is small and unlikely to win, he wins. It wasn't really the storyline but everything else in the movie. The people, the horses, the places.

It all brought back memories of my childhood. I grew up in the racecourse. Riding horses, feeding them, talking to them. Summer holidays were special coz I would wake up at 6 and go with Papji to the racecourse to watch the horses workout. Get petted and pampered by the other trainers, jockeys and all the others there. Have breakfast in the canteen there with all the grown-ups and listen to them talk horses. All the other holidays we got were special too. In Dassera we would go to Mysore and in summer it was Ooty, the rest of the year was Madras. All these places we could go for the races. Bet on horses for small amounts of money, run around, meet people and horses, it was an amazing time. I loved these places coz the race course was off grounds for me in Bangalore and I wanted to spend as much time as possible in the race course. The smell of horses, the sound of their hooves, the hustle and bustle. I dreamt of growing up to be a jockey when I was a child. Maybe coz I idolized my Dad and wanted to be just like him. Maybe coz the racecourse was home to me and I wanted to be there.

SeaBiscuit also brought back memories of my Dad, how can it not, the racecourse and my Dad are associated together for me. I look up to him so much, always wanted to be like him. His son was what I wanted to be. Wished all my life that I was a boy then I could be just like my Dad. But that wasn't necessary I still am just like him, stubborn, very ethical, always using the right path, innocent, going out my way to help people and all. And if this was not enough, am a trainer too just like my Dad - he trained horses, I train people. Always wanted to be in the saddle, so now I ride - not horses but bikes. Well yeah I am my Papaji's son, just like he said.

I miss him alot too. There is so much I will never be able to do with him. People seem to take their parents for granted most of the time but its only when their not there that you feel the importance. I will not be given in marriage by my Dad. He's not there to run back to and say I can't handle this, help me. My kids will never know what its like to have a Nanu (Granddad) like I did. I miss sitting at his feet and just feeling secure. There is so much that goes with parents, I remember him everytime I see kids with their Dads or someone talks about their father. Just wish people would value them while they are there. Tell them how much they mean while they are still alive. I don't miss an oppurtinity now to tell my Mom how much I love her. There is nothing in the world more beauitful then the look on her face then.

Life does not stop coz someones gone. My Papaji knows how much I love him today. I tell him often.

Ok have drifted away from the topic quite alot, not unusual for me. What I started out to write about was my childhood, racecourses and horses. And how the movie SeaBiscuit made me see some of my troubles in life in better light. They don't seem so big now. They can be sorted and its never too late to do something. Just that you don't give up, listen to your heart and do it the right way. Thats all that matters, coz only that will lead to satisfaction and happiness.

Tuesday, 15 March 2005

Just like that...

Just feeling so low today. Writing helps me with feeling better so thought would just write. Most of what will follow will not make sense. Wonder if its even worth reading.

Somehow seems like am lost in this melee of life. Just so lost. Have a job that people would call good, but would I say the same? To me work is something I enjoy and am happy with but lately am not happy. Its no more about the work but the money and that to me is not satisfying. Somehow feel empty. I used to love what I did so why the sudden change? Or is it sudden? What is it that leaves me unhappy about what am doing? Should I look for something else that I enjoy? Something am happy doing? These and many more questions are plagueing my mind.

I used to love my work. I guess back then I was recognised for it too. Somewhere along the way I have just become another worker and no more someone who makes a difference. I do my work as and when am told to but its all not inspiring anymore. Have worked here for 3+ years now and am quite senior in experience but I don't figure anywhere in core discussions or decisions. People who have far less experience do that now. Yeah it maybe a bit of ego but is that all it is? Yeah I know that some of it is my fault but is it always about the way you are or does even how you work count. Does your being good at what you do count? I guess its just that I feel left out and lonely or is it just that?

Another job is a possiblility but then is it so easy to move? Will I be happy there and for how long? How do I choose what I want? What about money? There is so much that goes into it.

Am wondering if am even leading a life worth living. Feel as if I have done all I wanted to and now its time to leave. There is nothing am looking forward to. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could completely lean on, rely on. Just be able to say I don't wanna work anymore so am gonna sit at home. But thats not possible. It just feels so lonely sometimes. Ever felt lonely in a crowd of people you know? Thats the feeling. Feel so lost and alone.

Ok enough of this rambling of a crazy mind... or is it crazy?